The Body Electric (thebodyelectric) wrote,
The Body Electric

write yer fears

I have many vague fears stemming from this all-absorbing, crappy time that I've had this semester.

For every fear, there's something complimentary that I've learned.

I fear repercussions from an unfair advisor, but I've learned that I'm not afraid of leaving.

I fear losing the opportunity to get credentials that (may/will) assist me with future endeavors. Not getting the PhD, however doesn't mean that I am not going to pursue my goals, meet my potential, or anything really.

I fear that if/when I switch labs, the advising/mentoring won't be good enough to keep me and that I'll waste another year making no money and getting my self-confidence beaten down further. Although, if this happens in any obvious way I know that I'd walk out right away.

On a larger scale, I worry about these things:

What if there is no place that I can work? What I know about this fear is that it is founded on my last two work experiences. If I leave here, I will have two jobs under my belt that felt less that satisfactory. There are bits and pieces tied into this fear with black threads:

What if I just expect too much from my supervisors/the places where I work?
Does my idealism get too strong and block working in mediocre situations (and goddess knows they're all mediocre).
Will I have to run something of my own in order to work well?
Is this my fault instead of me just landing in two crappy places?

I beat at it with the knowledge that I do good work. That I have integrity, honesty, and diligence to speak for me. I have chosen difficult tasks and manage to keep going. Stupid people are no commentary on my intelligence. And what the hell is wrong with running your own whatever? Nothing.
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