The Body Electric (thebodyelectric) wrote,
The Body Electric
thebodyelectric

Unabashed: fog

On the bad days, it feels like my inside is rotting out. I'm becoming a hollow log, where some other creature will make her nest.

It's a bit dramatic.

But you know, for me, the sensation is not enough. Really, I have to spend hours following the meandering trails of possible whys and explanations. Even though I've done it plenty, I'm not really sure the details are worth it. It could be anything, as there's a lot going on. I could use it all to drive myself crazy or I could turn it off and become some sort of quiet, still person. I suppose it's all possible.

The good part is that my innards seem to grow back. There are always certain things that bring it back, little by little. And I've had a small chance this winter break. I'm terrified of driving through the next semester, like I did the last one. So scared. It's paralyzing, actually. Just try and offer me a choice! I'll let it go by default!

It's a very different sensation from adolescence, where my body/being felt wrong. My core was there, we were all just in the wrong place. This feels like my work-heart is missing. I have most of my other bits, but the work-heart is related to the whole.

And I know I've talked with my friends about heart-work and that most of what I offered them is completely and totally relevant here. Everyone wants to care about what they do and feel as though they're making a difference in "the world" somehow. Until you find your place(s), it feels all fumbly and awkward. I know I feel like I could drop everything in a bad moment and I wouldn't be able to make it right again.

In good moments, I feel like I'm on the right path, it's just a series of hoops, it'll be worth it in the end, blah blah blah. The good moments happen once a year, for about a day. It has been so hard, though, that while I know there are other paths to get to my heart-work, I don't really believe they'd be any easier than this. Or that I'd succeed any more than I am right now. But that's the gut-rot talking.

In the end, I don't really want another creature living in my gut. Instead, I'd like some joy and a lot of self-knowledge. I'd like to be able to get all that is created inside of me to pass out of me and into the world every so often. Love has always been there, but it's hard for it to grow like it should with all that rot around. I suppose I'd like to get rid of the rot, too.

Part of me wants a formerly rotted or recovering from rot guru of some sort, but you know me. I'll be damned if I listen to enough to figure out who it is/will be.
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