There are times when I feel like have tamped down my flames too much. I have my self too much under control and will power. But I know what happens when it is let lose, so I try to prevent that and wish for the best.
Occasionally, I wish I had more of a wild, free-wheeling teens and early 20s. Would I be more tolerant of others now? Would I be an addict?
While I am a rebel, all of the risks I took were calculated. I admit to being jealous of those who didn't know any better. Not knowing the risks and possible consequences of every small step and misstep. I felt like I knew too much about how things really worked when I was very young.
I try to deny it now, clinging to academia to try and avoid my more cynical self that comes out when watching people do stupid things. I realize that there are plenty of people doing stupid things in academia, they are just better at lying and hiding what they do.
And those lies and false perfections? They make everyone else fumbling through life (like me) feel clumsy and childlike.
Because deep down, I like to make mistakes. It has always been a part of my rebellion. Calculated mistakes, but still. Even calculated mistakes don't always work out. Even I have scars and old injuries from not-as-good plans and ideas.
But it's how I learn. I'd know nothing and would live in blissful ignorance if it weren't for the mistakes of my parents and my self.